Defining oneself

Can I define myself?

This very question is paramount and critical in analysing and comprehending oneself so much that I don’t think it is a question that only young people/children are required to ponder.

However, it’s only natural to let children introspect and analyse the idea of “themselves” as they’re growing and it’d be in their best interest to inculcate a habit of introspection.

We must keep in mind however that defining something only limits the possibility of future change. The idea of “being” and existing is quite bizarre in itself. How would I expect anyone to define or describe me? As soon as the question dings in my brain, I automatically start looking for evidence of my existence, the biggest of all would be my family, I turn to them and ask them what they think of me, what kind of person do they picture me as? They’d use adjectives like absent-minded, imaginative, curious, sheepish. All these, too, come often as a result of brainstorming for an hour or two.

Then I turn to my friends to enquire about their perspective on me, they’d call me charismatic, spirited, intense and spontaneous. A little bamboozled, I go and ask a stranger about what he thinks of me. It’s quite predictable that he’d make a weird face and would judge me by my external appearance and body language and give a description of his “idea” of the kind of person I am. Unless he is Sherlock Holmes, the probability of him deducing anything alone from my appearance is quite cumbersome, hence I’m safe.

All the Question marks…

Now, I turn to look at the mirror as I try to decipher and define who I am, at this stage, I wouldn’t give myself adjectives. Instead, I ask questions

such as Am I the music I listen to? Am I the books and articles I read? Am I the visual embodiment of manifestations and prayers of my ancestors, good wishers or curses of haters of my roots and family? Am I all those adjectives my friends, family and that haughty stranger envisaged me to be? Is everything they said and described a mere illusion? A false quagmire that makes them feel secure that they know enough or am I lying to them and hiding behind a façade?

Honestly, I don’t know or even if I think I might have a teentsy clue I can’t be sure.

Except

I do think that I am what my parents/ peers/ society think I am.

I do believe I’m hiding behind a façade and scared to show my “true self” which I’m not sure exists.

Am I trying to become the best version of myself, for all I know is that I wanna look cool like that celebrity I saw on my Instagram feed?

Defining myself? I’d rather not.

I’d rather let my friends/ family/ society build their perceptions of me.

I’d rather let my brother think that I am dieting because I want to lose weight.

I’d rather let my mother think I’m working hard when I’m procrastinating on my future.

I’d rather let my family think I’m a smart kid when I feel dumb all the time.

I’d rather let my grandma think I’m lazy.

I’m all the people I’ve met, their laughter and grief are buried in me.

I’m all the places I’ve been to, I still carry the scent and ambience of them in me.

I’m all the books I’ve sniffed and read, for my words and thoughts flow freely because of them.

I’m all the fights and arguments I’ve witnessed.

I’m my surroundings and the surrounding I imagine to be in.

I’m a lot of things and a lot of people and none at the same time.